Im not sure what ot say anymore..... have been feeling soo bad the last month and a half  I am not sure what the hell is going on anymore.  Yah, I lost HIM, lost my "User" best friend, have no money, food, medical to go c a therapist, and I am just plain depressed.  This is the worst i have ever felt though. I realy dont talk to my friends (if thats what they really are).  I avoid dirty little secret(2)   everday, by ignoring his texts.  Havent even heard from or seen dirty #1.

All i do is sleep, mood swing, eat (yah these pills make me fuckin hungry all the time), smoke and go from room to room in my apt. doing not a goddamn thing.  Nothing on tv keeps my attention, computer sucks half the time.

My weight has stayed the same now for 2 months and I am sick of it.  I am too fuckin cold to walk and my willpower to workout is gone!!!!!

Im not sure what to do anymore!!!

Oh well, thats that.

crazy!!  For three days now I have been just plain "wigged" out.  My heart feels like it is racing,my skin like my nerves are at the tip, atttention gone and my mind racing as well!!! FUCK!!  Called the Dr. and never heard back from them. 

Wow is this the true withdrawls from the Topomax and the Lithium???

I can feel the veins in my arms and legs pumpin'  weird huh?? I need something for the anxiety i feel.  I dont want to go out and kill anyone.  Im not suicidal, im not mad or sad...I only feel good drivng by myself on open roads.  I do it once a day and just for about 20-25 minutes but it helps calm me.  Trips to the parlor arent helping and I am smoking more. 

yet not too very late  i just am bored shitless....I ordered a couple books on amazon and a workbook...all on co-dependancy and enabling...

I really need to work on myself ...

I am also working on finding the true meaning of friends and I have come to realize thats its fuckin hard to find a friend who isnt all out for themselves these days!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I have just let one friend of mine know that i needed space from her because of all the drama and the fact that her and I are very similar ...we have bi polar 2.  I am medicated, she isnt.  We both swing but it is just too much seeing a friend go down adn down like she does over and over again.  one guy to the next...obsessing over all of them  over and over....(fuck at lleast I obsess over 1 person, i know, not fair)oka y I admit i did obsess a bit over dirty little secret #1, just becasue i wnted to hang out with him, not marry him..... The other one (#2) texts me all the time but i cant be mean enought o say no so i just tell him that i am busy...Meaningless sex is , well, MEANINGLESS!!! (too hard for me, cant do it anymore) \

I have to get my shit straight instead of trying to deal with everyone elses problems....fuck i cant even deal with my own.......i know, i deal with em so i dont have to deal with my own shit...yah,most likely......damn.......

 enabler???.An enabler is a person who by their actions make it easier for an addict to continue their self-destructive behavior by criticizing or rescuing.

The term co-dependancy, refers to a relationship where one or both parties ENABLE the other to act in certain maladaptive ways. Many times, the act of the enabler satisfies a need for the codependent person because his or her actions foster a need from the other person or persons in the relationship. She believes she can do this by avoiding conflict and nurturing dependency. Is it normal for someone to think that she can maintain a healthy relationship when she does not address problems and she lies to protect others from their responsibilities? The way a codependent person can continue to foster this dependency from others is by controlling situations and the people around them.

~~~~Any time you assist/allow another person to continue in their unproductive/unhealthy/addictive behavior, whether actively or passively, you are enabling. Even when you say nothing you are enabling the behavior to continue. Sometimes you say nothing out of fear, fear of reprisal, fear of the other person hurting, hating, not liking you; or fear of butting in where you don’t think you belong

wow i believe i have a lot of work to do....................................

that i havent cracked yet.  FUCK!!! headache last 2 days.  Drama Drama Drama with HIM....long story short he told me that he has a very possesive girlfriend and that he likes that and that she freaks out when she finds out that he has talked to me and it is best that i not call him again....fine ok so i didnt...he called me the next ay about the car insurance etc, fine there...next nite he calls and askes for something else and i asked him something and i could tell that he was crying.  I started bawling, told him i was sorry for what the hell ever and that i was glad he was happy and that i loved him, then i hung up.......k......so next nite, he stops my best friend as she came over to my house to get something and he told her to keep an eye on me and be a friend because he couldnt be there for me and that I was 'mentally unstable'  WHAT THE FUCK?????? who called me last nite and ended up crying/???.....well then this a.m. i was looking for the mailman (dumpy lookin' guy, needs help, bad attitude too  lol) I saw HIM and his dad moving stuff out of his Apt.  So I guess he will be moving.......I was the one that was thinking of it   still might................another topic to talk about. This shit hurts but its rerally hard to deal with when i have a friend who is going through

DRAMA  DRAMA and i always have to deal with that so its her turn...me on back burner again.......

and again........